i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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