the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
