i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
We just shotgunned beers for America
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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