Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
