I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
