Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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