we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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