Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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