so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
