Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
