You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
