She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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