If i come over, it means nothing
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
