you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
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