i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
