Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
