Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Barsexuality is the new black.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
