I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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