Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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