They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
