Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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