i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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