my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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