I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
