You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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