I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
