i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
