Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
