3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
