I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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