Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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