You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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