Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
