for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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