why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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