i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
