I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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