I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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