I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
