Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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