I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize