We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
