I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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