Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
farters have to be the big spoon...
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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