Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
