i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
