At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm like, not good at living.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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