I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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