yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
