his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
