do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
