Umm I'm too high to move.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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