Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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