so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
