And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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