woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
