I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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