am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
